(the photos are semi-random and all taken from my phone's weekly snaps of my baking and around my neighborhood.)
I would say that I'm suffering from the type of mental and emotional exhaustion that would require a long vacation with intermediate sessions of all types of rehabilitation throughout my holiday.
Most of my exhaustion comes from elements that I love but can't put a better foot forward toward. The other half of it comes from holding up all the damage that I haven't quite sifted out of my system yet. Not that I ever expected to go anywhere altruistically valuable outside of lessons learned in being a human, but they came at a point where the more I understood about anything the greater my longing to be able to escape it all became.
When I say escape I mean manipulate, or be in control of my greater interest, and thus the extended interest of the greater beings around me.
Now I could go on and extensively list all of my own observations combined with the intellectual terms I can muster to make sense of how I feel and why I feel any which way, what matters most to me regardless of what I experience or learn, regret or earn outside of my passions, what matters most to me is represented by my ability to even post this on a public platform which I control. Something of my own that I can give to everyone.
I want to give meaning, purpose, information and opportunity. While cultivating creative thinking.
As such, I keep thinking about my ever-growing and evolving list of ideas, opportunities and development stages that on their own is enough to smother me in creative media bliss, but there is also the indisputable fact that most of that general list is barely touched because, well, again... human/mortal/exhausted.
One point of interest in the cause and effects that help me actualize my thoughts and Creativity is applying neurodiverse filters to the already complicated generalized elements of emotional and mental human causalities. Uncommon but parallel, different enough to be existentially pivotal for the one at the center of the differential.
My big picture point right now is this; I have to figure out which list of priorities to organize and simplify right now. I have my standard weekly list of content creation needs, and I barely get through those, on top of that there's the list of endeavors into marketing, team building, and fundraising, amidst research and development for even broader projects! It's beautifully insane, the chaos of possibilities to materialize with the defining component not necessarily being what comes to matter, but the very hands that try to sculpt any of the nonsense I try to make sense of and present as something worthy of our shared pursuit; something better for all-something better for us.
Trying to really gather myself into a focus singularity leading to a foreseeable way to actualize any of my dreams, it feels like I should reinforce my foundation professionally. It makes sense that right now in the middle of my ability to template and streamline, customize and even utilize AI assets to create anything I see fit -probably with a better outcome than I intended initially- and now I think my foundation needs leveling up so I can securely hold these new endeavors high in with pride and purpose.
I want to prove that I can create a beacon and generate wealth while making an impact by myself. That's my belief, not necessarily my want but something I accept based on limited alternatives. Because my team would have to be as " special as I am ". Or at least parallel enough for us to get the same big picture and appreciate its defining nuances together. And that's always been challenging for me to find. Perhaps even more so the clearer things get along with the more education I absorb and questions I learn to seek answers for in life.
Different paths for being indifferent types of human.
What I want now is the security of certain checks and balances in place. As well as I relief from looking at a to-do list with too many things on it from several months ago that realistically could have been accomplished in a weekend of hard focus. And that's considering everything on the list, at the very least half of it. It's a realization that bugs me, maybe something like a conversation between guilt and pride with a screaming baby -we can call the broken ego- having a tantrum in between.
Pacifiers for all.
I don't want anything about my work to be a pacifier. As such, I need to secure the reality of the institution I'm creating by securing how I express its value. I have to show I'm excited, I have to consistently illustrate my points and work, and I have to show my worth and promote it to people who potentially can change my life just by seeing what I see in this all. I have to show better proof of concept now. I have to go beyond the concepts and show results.
That's where we're at. This point now where, if I really believe anything in my dream/passion / organization, then I have to see a version of myself that can sell this vision. Not with hype, or concept, but with proof, blueprints, projections and all that fun serious "shark tank" worthy stuff.
I have such an extensive catalog of science fiction, poetry, and entire worlds with characters and storylines that cross centuries, I haven't begun to introduce any of it. It's an exhilarating/suffocating/inspiring/sorrow-inducing fact but is that nothing is real enough until it's published. I have pitches and presentations to neatly piece together, I have to make my ideas and meaning as real as it gets.
Nurturing my lifeline from seed to heavenly beanstalk.