Hood Adjacent, Heart Forward: Reflections on dating from a Science-Loving Nerd #BeyondTheAlgorithm

Dating Sucks. That's subjective, and I will break down the specifics for reference and a bit, but 1st....

Dating sucks, assuming you can get one.

I want and need to take a break from the digital world and all the War news, AI and fake profiles presenting a sense of reality that may as well come from a propaganda handbook for 'how to become and stay delusional'.

I want to connect with someone in real life, about REAL LIFE. And I've been trying and failing time and time again on this side of 2020, AKA the 20's if you're born after 1995.

We are in the 20s....sounds funny when you're over 40. Dating in the 20s feels as surreal and disjointed as society does when you take it in as a whole. This makes it more pressing to have a base within a community, which may start with a special relationship, as most of mine’s used to.

As a Black man in NYC who grew up hood adjacent, but prefers the science and the supernatural ( you bully me, and I fight with kicks and hauntings), I’ve lived enough hard lessons to spend the rest of my life reflecting on, instead, I try to use my ‘better and worst’ to amplify my value as a partner. Though I would love a business conglomerate that benefits from my existing being put to use, I prefer to fall into someone's soul, first.

As of late, I’ve been feeling everything but how to fall in love again. #angryblackman

There are several schools of thought to help understand compatibility and how we respond to different cues within romantic relationships. In this part, I will loosely reference love languages as the principle, with expansions.

EXPERIENCES and UNDERSTANDING

 

Dating someone whose love language is memes, and you need words of affirmation, seems like a near parallel, right? A meme of encouragement to help you get through a tough day or the death of your dreams. Is this your type? I’ve surely discovered it is not mine. I’ve also learned that the value of affirming words holds weight when you believe in the person. Faking it is probably worse for the one faking positivity. 

Dating someone older than you who you're physically attracted to, but with the attention span of a child, and very little in common with your valued interests. I’ve learned the most important thing a man in my position can do is clearly define the differences between lust, attraction, and how much personality substance means to me. Am I looking for a relationship, and what type? One of the worst mistakes I’ve made that has kept me single is making relationship decisions based on Sexual interactions, but chemistry is everything until it's not.

Culture as a Love Language.

One date with an Australian opera singer from a healthy family and within a community that supports her professionally (she had previously performed at our brunch venue, which cut my bill by 80%) taught me a lot about the weight of my family drama being a contemporary defining trait for my character. This was a limitation for me with this Woman, yet could have been a bonding, empathetic anchor for someone who can not only relate, but thrive to redefine themselves in spite of that type of ‘baggage’. 

My interest and experience may be vast enough to match across a broad spectrum, yet it is the culture I define and live for myself that really guides the strength of established bonds.

-Someone to relate to.

What Men adjacent to my Bracket are saying.

Late 30s, mid 40s, no serious attachments ( kids with an ex, for example). Creative for sure, Experience with handywork. 

Nerd applicable, geek applicable, fighter applicable, (both physical and for rights, liberty etc). One thing I’ve noticed in conversations over the years is a near bewilderment from Men about women in their lives who don't support them. What does that mean, Money? No. However, the counterargument from applicable women is “I don't want to take care of a man”. What does ‘take care of’ Mean? Modern applicable men don't want financial support. Let's cross out that as a means of expected support. Are Men asking for Dinner and a housewife? No, at least not from the guy who cooks and cleans. 

Support is a partnership; you support your partner. In an age post Red and Green flags, it's hard to show vulnerability without feeling exhausted, so it's no wonder many people refrain from personal matters and focus more on building via Passports and travel. I tried that with a person I wasnt emotional stable with, and after we literally stopped talking to one another during the cruise, she confessed to attempting suicide weeks before.

Compared with;

Planning a trip with a woman whose response to you bleeding following a sex accident is “you’ll be aight”. Someone you can have a superficial good time with, because they go with the flow, while being emotionally avoidant or defensive.

I'm in between two emotional extremes and need someone to meet me at a balanced center before I plan another trip with a woman. Better yet, why don't I wait until I’m in a distinguished relationship? At least then we have the security of a mutually established foundation that’s built on conversation, growth potential, and emotional support in ways that fit.

Men want emotional support. Sometimes it looks like a belief in them, and a show of appreciation for efforts in general life. Most times it's understanding.

In Love with a Muse 

I fell in what felt like love with a business partner who supported me in ways family and friends ignored. Of course, our relationship started as me hitting on her at a poetry event a decade prior. Her character a human being, just so happened to be a community-based supportive one. Yet even while knowing her boyfriend, turned ex, turned sponsor, the two of us somehow seemed to be in the right place that was ‘with her’ in the ways we wanted. Perhaps she was career 1st, having a grown child and a business to build. For her, what could my love have done? This question and my respect for her hustle distracted me from asking something less poetic but most important: Is our personal Bond stronger than our business one?

The answer;

The strength of our bonds was all based on creative entrepreneurial pursuits.  The passion we shared was for our respective work and the collabs when applicable. At least that's what I can say without having her direct opinion. And perhaps why I never asked her is the biggest lesson, because even though she gave me butterflies despite my profession crutches, I could never imagine us in my world, outside the noise of pursuits. 

I encourage men to take notice of what fantasies a person inspires, and what that means about you and how you see them. I discovered in one healthy experience that Im the type who likes to match outfits. Not always exact, but on theme. If the thought of sleeping with, but not matching with someone exists, perhaps I shouldn't sleep with them at all.

So what does all that mean for my Type?

NEXT:

The difference between Kevin  Smith's and  Will Smith's marriages and what that means for Your Type.

#BlackMenMagic #NYCDating #GrownManTalk #DatingOver40 #ModernMasculinity #HoodAdjacent #EntrepreneurLife