When your OCD is...


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Interpersonal Comprehension = Security

Does it physically hurt you when a loved one turns out to be a bizarro world version of who you thought they are?


It's like finding out your hero is an idiot, or not sincerely heroic. I tried to be in disbelief when my emotional commitment to a person is full of feedback errors. 


I need you to make sense fairly consistently. If I misunderstand the bulk of what you do and your reasoning behind it, I'm going to be internally angry. Like seeing a math equation that equals some shit you can't double check, even though you're sure about your understanding in the subject. 


Then, maybe you don't understand as much. That's also frustrating. 


Having a need for reasoning has bit me in my ass alot at a previous job where I was sure the boss was a general idiot with one specific skill set -turns out he was equally a liar- but him giving me the initial opportunity made him lovable to me. 

-enter Nexus

{A sub section for events in the story that need more detail. }

Highlight this as the 1st Event; a nexus point that leads to detrimental circumstances. For example, my personal feelings for said Manager, on top of my affirmation of his lack of functional intelligence outside of his job skills made me sympathetic and more vulnerable. While overlooking more obvious contradictions to my interpersonal comfort zone. 

I was bias.

-exit



My OCD is situated in my daily certainty of people. I am afraid ( at worst) of being socially unprepared and need to calculate interactions, as many as possible, before they happen. Otherwise my 1st instinct is to hide, prep and come back like I never noticed you, or just stay hidden.

This is under the assumption I even want to see you. 

If I begin to question that look behind your eyes, or feel uneasy by your smile, it's because I have reason to now believe I have to question everything about you. Which makes me question myself because I was formally sure and now I have to review what could be years of social checks and balances  for specific social elements I may have missed in order for me to formulate a new standard for casual interactions with that person. 

But we are already here and I'm not ready.

I want to fix it or avoid you all together and use that processing power elsewhere.

But I can't.


And that is perhaps my problem.

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