View From the Bottom, Up again

A personal look at self sincerity, circumstance, and overcoming

 

     I’ve always had this mindset that I will show the world the real me when I “make it”. As if being a smart but intellectually clumsy geek with a charming personality-disorder would be a revelation to any friend. Frankly, that’s just one way I would describe myself. My ego won’t let be anything less than a Lost King but still a King of his own.  Toss a little Karate-magic in that title and you have yourself a deal. 

     So many ‘Me’s’ and so many misadventures to support whatever narrative I’m performing this month, and I’m sure some of us can relate. Like many of us who see ourselves one way or another depending on Mood, influences, etc, We all have our anchor self-assessment. For me, it’s my genes. Put simply, I proud of this human configuration. Maybe I watched too many x-men cartoons but I do believe most of us are extra gifted. Physically, mentally, even spiritually. We all have some unique quark that- along with our character-can define us. Every sincere conversation I have ever had with another person has shown something unique to me, about a person. Even if I don’t like them, I can still see and respect that person’s contribution to their field, or craft, or our evolution as a whole.  

     I would always daydream about telling some great life stories when I’m famous because that’s when people will care. As if the value of the journey is only defined by the audience at the end of it. Hella trivial of me.

     I felt special enough to believe feeling comfortable is only allowed when I have power. The truth is, I’m afraid of rejection and need validation from outsiders 1 or 2 times too many. I started to playfully wonder if this is what it really like for Odin in American Gods;  He obviously thinks he’s the shit, but needs followers for actual power? Man, am I not full of myself?

 

     A few hours before thinking any of this up, I was able to bend my toes for the 1st time in a week after having an allergic reaction from topical meds I had to use, for a (maybe) allergic reaction I’ve been dealing with for 3 months, 3 doctors and a whole job termination.  Oh Yeah, I lost my day job. It’s been a few weeks now since I was written up for the 1st time (for not calling a boss on my day off about an issue that didn’t happen) then terminated the next day. Got the letter in the mail and everything. Two weeks’ notice, Union was slow to incompetently help, and my former employer tells unemployment I quit without notice. ( Stay with me, there is a bigger point besides me venting lol) All while I’m coming to terms with all the things ‘special’ about me also falling apart (mentally and physically but I gotta tell you; I can see how people find God in hard times lol) for a myriad of absurd reasons.

     Speaking of special, shout out to that one friend and former lover who needed closure and decided to devastate me while I’m already down. 

     If you don’t see by now, its a theme. I get sick, I get fired, I get my feelings hurt, I get sicker, I get withdrawn, etc. Its THAT part of life when shit just falls apart for seemingly no reason. When we become the victim of ‘why me, how could this happen’. And it sucks. It sucks as much as not getting invited to a short film event where you co-directed and re-adapted one of the pieces because why not fuck me.

 

     Yes, I wanted an invite. Depending on social media to update you about personal or professional changes is for the birds. At least my employer sent my letter of termination 3 different ways. I Didn’t even see, nor was I ever tagged in any post about it (smh).  Shout out to the producers and former mentors. I’m sure my lack of tolerating what I thought was bullshit with some of the project’s post-production lead to this. 

Yet again, why me right?

     Well here is the thing, All that waiting I’ve been doing gave ‘life’s’ negative avatars room to wiggle into my china shop of an existence and make a lot of noise. I was an obvious factor in my own shortcomings.

  • I hated my job and thought management lacked integrity. Not to mention I got damn tired of tossing all food out ( worked for the city doing custodial in schools. Great pay for the work, My book is coming out later this year journaling years of waste at that one site)

  • That Lady friend who hurt my feelings was returning the favor. Right and wrong barely matter, because its ‘feelings’ (though I was right, it’s rare when it’s that personal but I got the technical W. Feelings like a huge L though, let me tell ya).

  • I first had a severe allergic reaction two years ago at my former job and my health has never been the same. I threatened to quit several times after that. 

  • I’ve been quiet and distant for a while, trying to build up the life I want. Out of sight, out of mind, So friendships suffered and I’m still in the dark when I may actually need people. It is what it is. I don’t even want half of what my social circle is offering ( build one that better reflects my interest and values: Check)

  • I take myself for granted; I know how I should eat, but don’t. I know how I should at least casually train ( MMA days) but don’t. I think I’m blessed but don’t always work up to that value. 

 

     My favorite number is 5 so I will stop there, but you get the point: Cause and effect. Yes, shitty things happen, but not without reason. It’s just the reasons suck, but they had a chance to exist because of what we ...I allowed, didn’t allow, etc. It’s not easy, sure. But that pain of failer? That self-conscious social uncertainty, that remorse, or anxiety, and constant annoyance…

That doesn’t feel as easy as it is to fall into. 

 

What’s the point of all this then?

 

Find your true self, be true to that self, aspire as that True Self. 

 

 

 

 

I’m going to be as much of ME as this reality allows, and I will achieve as much of my goals in the process, because the things I tried to avoid by not showing out, happened anyway and with interest. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Lions don’t hold back, they can’t afford to.

 

evolve.revolt



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