I wanted to create a social media post highlighting a somewhat negative, albeit emotional exchange an ex was attempting to have with me, but I realized, even if I hide her identity, I didn't want her to see it.
It's not because of fear, rather it's quite easy for me to publicly drag someone when I feel like I have nothing to lose and the validation from my audience to gain.
Someone felt that same way about a private apology I sent her, only to publicly post it for her co-signer's to mock my sincerity.
I felt a new type of terrible, one that I've heard of but never fully experienced until that incident. It was in the moment when I had a brief insight into the world of cyberbullied, suicidal teens.
A dark fascination, one I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I almost did it today. Sure I figured 'my post is different, but I realized it didn't matter if there is a chance it would provoke the same social and emotionally molestation that radiants from someone literally mocking your heartfelt apology on a public platform that you're a part of (because they want you to see it, even though most people who do things like that might not admit to it).
I decided to acknowledge situations like this as a personal preventive measure, as well as a call to action from the community.
No matter how you define yourself, if you aspire to resolve anything with anyone, you can't include emotional attacks on that person's character flaws just because you're mad.
They are mad too.
They are hurt too.
They have regrets too.
If they didn't, would we agree to a second chance at anything?
I've hurt people's feelings before. It's regrettable and I try to make amends where I can and honestly where I feel like it's the right thing to do.
In contrast, I've been better off sticking to my 'mic drop' moment on almost all associations that inspire me to Tell someone 'fuck you, good bye ' (in my own words and sometimes less direct).
At almost 40, and having a previous year filled with professional betrayals, bad biz with Family, COVID, Shitty Humans I don't personally know-but ruins everything for the rest of us, and an anti harem of Exes who want something from me outside of the light that has me desperate and captivated (my self-fulliment)...
I'm about done apologize for anything. If 'saying sorry' was currency, my personal account is in the negative. I do believe I don't have a f$ck to give if it isn't financially viable because the only time money brought me drama was when I paid to have people who piss me off, be in my presence.
If you're out there reading this and you've been hurt, do your best to move on without that person, because from my experience; anyone I hurt seems to want to spend 2nd chances hurting me back in the name of closure. I get it, but personally, I'm busy trying to survive. Like literally.
Is it wrong that I can't even deal with someone being offended that I did a better job at hurting them than they did me?
If you want an example of how this type of situation can distract from arguably more worthy matters, the incident that inspired this blog happened on the same day as two good friends telling me about major professional achievements, independently. Young, Black professionals making dream moves, and you and I spent a whole blog on Drama with people we cut out of our lives for sincere reasons.
-Wasted Time: the eagles (feels like)
-stockholm syndrome ; Cool for chaos nostalghia (listening to)
-the boogieman song (reminds me of)
*Music I listened to while composing this thought and blog, or that I felt was relative to my mood.