(When it comes to sexual desire and relationships...)
You ever feel like you're better off with masturbation? Not because people are terrible, this time, but because you might end up being so?
Even if by accident, my sensual passions has manipulated me into believing that sleeping with that one ex will some how solve all my problems. It doesn't say that specifically, to be fair. The sensation it gives me, more like a hypnotic vibe of slow seduction that brings of waves Passion, security, and escape all at once.
-When the person is both physically safe but emotionally dangerous
-When it's the 'heat of the moment' on repeat.
-when it's premeditated, even the request for space you never directly make.
A carousel of reasoning to justify your kicks, which can all too often exclude your lovers understanding for any of it.
Therein lies the problem.
When you mutually share your body but not your emotional mind and self intentions. It's like taking an unknown shot from your PCP.
Sure you may trust them, but wouldn't you want to know what's going in you?
Ok so that metaphor may be too specific, but
hopefully, you get my meaning.
Conversations before, about, but not influenced by sex.
The truth behind my thoughts above
I really need a code name for important relationships that I will often refer to from where I learned many things (better of worst, a lesson in love is still a lesson). Honestly, there are about 3 'Mutually toxic' relationships I'm pulling thoughts and lessons from when I write about that topic.
This entry is no different. One of the biggest red flags in that past relationship was my insecurity to ask her about her STD testing background. Sure, its a buzz kill in the moments before sex for most people. Yet shouldn't that conversation happen during off peak hours if this is someone you sleep with, mostly natural, at least every two weeks?
I was always disappointed in myself for that, but happy I survived the years that person and I spent within that 'on for a while, off for a while' cycle. Yes there were hints at illustrating 'we are safe' to one another, but based on what terms?
Are you safe because the doctor told you after your bloodwork came back? Or are you safe because mercury is 'out of retrograde' and you used the protection with that last person?
This was a person who I just had to trust, or risk igniting our volatile relationship. Like that time I offered to have her dental work done and she took it as an insult when I tried to explain there was no need for her to feel insecure over a chipped tooth when I was getting paid good. To be fair, we were close friends with benefits but not an official item. That conversation lead to a fallout that spanned a month or two.
I always got tested after she and I had a marry run of casual sex and we were on the outs. I frankly got tested well before I knew I had a chance to sleep with someone else for a time, even if protection was a given for that new relationship. It took me far too long my for me to realized that the person I share the sack with should also openly share my standards if we plan on going Natural. The act is far better when you're openly clean and clear on what boundaries there are ( because this is also how babies are made).
on the other hand-
Would it be fair to wonder, if the inherit risk is also a turn on for some people?