'No Nut November' Blog -HDM

 I decided to partake in #noshave and #nonut November’s,  and I can tell you that the ‘no nut’ part should be a life achievement if I can make it to the end of the month without my biggest addictive attribute overwhelming my self integrity. 

In all honesty, I wasn't even considering the thought of restraint from masturbation (because actual sex is a whole vibe I'm emotional exhausted from) as a form of participation in whatever ‘NNN’ is considered. It fact, I’ve been avoiding a YouTube video on my watch list about “what happens when you quit porn” because I was avoiding the shame and extra layer of disappoint I would gift myself with after learning something for my own greatness, only to say fuck it and give in, right after the education. I watched that video this morning after awaking to yet another lucent dry-hump session because I’ve already been ‘taking it one day at a time’ for what feels like months but may actually be under two weeks of not engaging in the porn/self-pleasure metaverse and I gotta tell you;

It's like clearly losing your mind for the right reason. 

That’s what the ‘clarity’ feels like to me. Who wants to lose their minds?! Maybe out of desperation, fear, or severe heart ache, sure; voluntarily surrender to madness. On the other hand, imagine if you had to let go of everything you love because its eating away at you? For many of us, life is a balance of letting things slowly devour you while you try and keep up #toxiclove #deadeandjob # #taxes. 

The one thing stopping us is hard work. Quitting for the greater good is hard fucking work. The familiar security, the dopamine, the habitual, ritualist qualities that I associate with my almost literal lifetime spent rubbing it out to the tone of my vivid imagination plus virtual stimuli, have been some of the best times of my life. Times that more often than not, end with me feeling defeated, or self ashamed, or just completely drained and sluggish. 

Anything Can become a Disorder and Addiction. 

All things considered, the difficultly of not rubbing it out is accentuated by the idea that I can find someone to sleep with, but for one reason or another, I am better off going solo. I only want one person to bond with mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and it's that order I would say I would have to engage with that person in. I can say for certain that I already missed a number of opportunities at chance for this with some exceptional women. It sucks that we can’t recognize what we need when we need it sometimes, yet I have some security in the idea of using those previously mentioned Four keystones as a guide for how I can begin to develop a healthier, long-term, and intimate connection with someone.

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