Human Dark Matter

 

Disclaimer
The content in this series is based on my own personal life experiences. It is with consideration to individuals who factor into my life that I protect their identities as best as possible, while retaining the integrity of truth as best as I can articulate. Any humor is in no way meant to diminish the value of the person’s or topics I will discuss, nor do I intend to victimize or slander the reputation of any individual my Subjective accounts are based on. 




Entry 01

I love science, the supernatural, space, anime, MMA, the list could go on and is reflected in much of my work.

 

What I don't talk about and honestly avoid up to this point was my love life, or any resemblance of it. Which is strange seeing as one of my biggest motivators in my personal and professional life were Women, sex and dating fabulously. 

 

My secret hood ironman asperation is the only motivator that would  parallel the passion I get from the pursuit of Pu... physically persuasions with my opposite sex. 

 

Building a "super suit" became highly impractical on my former custodial budget. This lead to a reallocation of life priorities, and the idea of having an impressive and comfy quiet place to host social gatherings on the verge of hedonism was the new mission.

 

I've always loved the heat of passion and the pursuit of sex. I've worked harder for bosses I want to sleep with, and have gotten out of bed and away from my own depression just for the chance to see that one woman in something different for my wet dreams to build on.

Though I always kept it clean and formal because I was blessed (or cursed) to be the same guy the women I really want to sleep with would vent to.  I don't think I would have had an effective ear if I constantly thought with my penis. Yet the essence of it's reaction was there often enough for me to miss key connections in close relationships that mattered.

 

It was just simpler to give into sex  and move on, rather than dwell on the often overlooked emotional intricacies of intimacy at that time.  

I've always had my hobbies to take me away at any time and that ride was rarely a two sitter. 

Still, I was convinced I wanted a fairytale love. A better way to put it is I was blinded by that sentiment.

 

It was the anchor I used to excuse my frequent quick excursions upon many a woman's shore. 

 

I was the loveable 'hussie' and it was 'ok', because I will find that special woman. I would have meant her any day over the last ten plus years before I realized I may have literally fucked over several women who could have been ‘the one’, at least on paper. 

 

We learn, grow and try to change. Everything I've already said is hopefully a small sincere example of my own responsibility within relationship short falls. Trust that there will be more to come.

I need to write it out, explore my feelings and motivates. I want to understand as best as I can, why I no longer feel romantically connected in spite of my fuller love, empathy, and respect for women.

 

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Next Entry: Highlighting elements in past relationships that may have key impacts to current and future ones.

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